Take your time. Check in with yourself. Know who you are, what you want, and what you deserve.
Trauma from sexual violence can impact every aspect of someone’s life, including their relationships. After experiencing sexual violence, it’s normal for someone to feel anxious, hypervigilant, and fearful. Many survivors experience flashbacks, nightmares, and panic attacks; and when it comes to forming new relationships, find building trust and experiencing intimacy incredibly challenging.
But, healthy intimacy after sexual violence is possible! Let’s get into it!
What is healthy intimacy?
Healthy intimacy after sexual violence involves a safe, trusting, comfortable, consensual, and pleasurable sexual encounter for both partners. It is calm when needed and fiery when needed. It is guided, mutually understood, and fulfilling for one’s emotional and physical needs and desires. This type of intimacy is achievable for anyone.
What does healthy intimacy look like for a survivor?
Healthy intimacy can take many forms, depending on one’s healing journey. For instance, some survivors are yet to start their self-discovery process and are not sure of what they would enjoy or desire in intimate settings with a partner. When you’ve had your intimacy weaponized against you in the past, it can be incredibly hard to explore healthy sexual/emotional connections with another person.
At Sojourner House, we often work from the ground up with survivors on their self-worth and empowerment, which can aid in developing what they are looking for and how to communicate that to future partners.
A few tips for fostering healthy intimacy!
- Take your time.
- There is no rush and healing is not a linear process. It is essential to take your time and always be direct about what you need.
- Check in with yourself. Figure out what you want, what makes you feel good, and what potential triggers might be for you.
- Explore your body and address any shame you may feel about it.
- It’s common for sexual violence to impact someone’s feelings of self-esteem and self-worth. Knowing this, we recommend finding activities or practices that help you feel more comfortable in your skin. This could look like saying daily affirmations, participating in a trauma-informed yoga class, or taking part in a support group where you can learn ways to combat negative self-thought.
- For clients struggling with their relationship with their bodies post-assault, we often recommend the Healing Sexual Trauma Workbook by Erika Shershun.
- Establish open communication with your partner.
- Before becoming intimate with a new partner, work to establish a trusting and safe environment. You can never ask for too much when you’re seeking a safe yet exciting intimate connection with someone.
- Having your boundaries respected is a right and not a privilege.
- Remember that healthy sex requires that these five basic conditions be met:
- Consent: Can I freely and comfortably choose whether or not to engage in sexual activity? Am I able to stop the activity at any time during sexual contact?
- Equality: Is my feeling or personal power on an equal level with my partner?
- Respect: Do I have a positive regard for myself and my partner? Do I feel respected by my chosen partner? Do I feel supportive OF my partner and supported BY my partner?
- Trust: Do we have a mutual acceptance of vulnerability and ability to respond to each other with sensitivity?
- Safety: Do I feel secure and safe within the sexual setting? Am I comfortable with and assertive about where, when and how the sexual activity takes place?
- When you’re feeling anxious or confused, don’t be afraid to lean on positive supports like family and friends who understand your journey.
Remember that achieving healthy intimacy is a lifelong process of learning. There will never be a sudden day when everything ‘clicks’. Consent and intimacy are ongoing conversations with yourself, your community, your ever-changing identity, and the world at large. Everyday will look different, and that is great.
You are not alone!
At Sojourner House, we provide those who have experienced sexual violence with access to free individual counseling and support groups. Our team work with survivors to understand the impact of trauma on their lives, to build and use coping skills, and to explore ways to heal, thrive, and feel empowered.
Want to learn more about this topic? Here are our recommendations!
- Book Recommendation:
- Tell Me What You Like: An Honest Discussion of Sex and Intimacy After Sexual Assault by Kate Simon
- Podcast Recommendation: Sojourner House’s Sexual Violence Program Coordinator, Caely Flynn, and Clinical Director, Linzi Rae Matta, spoke with Lindsay Iadeluca about healthy intimacy after sexual trauma on her podcast, Brewing Boundaries.
This blog post was written by Linzi Rae Matta, LICSW, Caely Flynn, Faith Otchere, and Shannon McDonnell.